Jim Bradshaw
Nowadays when we hit the road with a car full of kids, they are entertained by high-tech stuff known only to Flash Gordon in the days of my youth (and a good bit of my adulthood).
When we crammed into the back of the family sedan in the good old days, we had a stack of comics to read, a service station map given to us in the hope that we would figure out for ourselves that we weren’t “there yet,” and a bag full of sandwiches. These all ran thin only a few miles after we’d left home, and that’s why our parents invented “diversion games.”
The first of these was to identify license plates from as many states as possible. In preparation for that, Mom ripped from the Saturday Evening Post the tire ad that appeared each year showing what the license plates from each state looked like. She should have ripped more than one page, because the fight quickly erupted over who should hold the page.
That gave way to being the first to spot the next “See Rock City” sign painted on a barn roof, or counting the number of barns with either “Hadacol”: or “Evangeline Maid” painted on them. That game was usually abandoned about the third sighting, when the “I saw it first,” “Did not,” “Did, too” argument began.
The saviors of parental sanity were small red and white signs posted along the roadway. These little signs, sometimes in a group of four, sometimes as many as six, used humor and verse to promote Burma Shave. At the height of their popularity they could be found on virtually every major road in America.
They disappeared when we began to speed down Interstate Highways and they whizzed past so fast we could no longer read them. But in those bygone days kids could take turns reading them aloud gaining valuable insights into all sorts of things.
For example:
— The whale/ put Jonah/ down the hatch/ but coughed him up/ because he scratched. Burma Shave.
— On curves ahead/ remember Sonny /that rabbit’s foot/ didn’t save/ the bunny.
In each instance, the last sign advertised Burma Shave shaving cream or Burma Shave lotion. Some were funny, some urged cautious driving, some were pure advertising.
— Pat’s bristles/ scratched Bridget’s nose/ that’s when her/ wild Irish rose.
— The bearded lady/ tried a jar./ Now she’s a famous/ movie star.
— Slow down, pa./ Sakes alive/ Ma missed signs/ four and five.
— These signs/ we gladly dedicate/ to men who’ve had/ no date of late.
— Proper distance/ to him was bunk./ They pulled him out/ of some guy’s trunk.
— Is he lonesome,/ or just blind?/ The guy who drives/so close behind.
— A chin where barbed wire/ bristles stand/ is bound to be/ a no ma’ams land.
— We’re widely read/ and often quoted/ but it’s shaves/ not signs/ for which we’re noted.
— The blackened forest/ smolders yet/ because he flipped/ a cigarette.
— The midnight ride/of Paul for beer/ led to a warmer/ hemisphere.
— Ben met Anna./ Made a hit./ Neglected beard./ Ben-Anna split.
— If you don’t know/ who’s signs these are/ you haven’t driven/ very far.
And finally:
— Farewell O verse/ along the road./ How sad to see/ You’re out of mode. Burma Shave.
A collection of Jim Bradshaw’s columns, Cajuns and Other Characters, is now available from Pelican Publishing. You can contact him at jimbradshaw4321@gmail.com or P.O. Box 1121, Washington LA 70589.